A PARODY OF THE ICONIC HALLMARK ROMANCE MOVIE: FLIP SIDE ROMANCE
My First Movie Script
This blog is sort of a sequel to one that I wrote about Hallmark Christmas movie offerings entitled “The Iconic Hallmark Christmas Movie”. Since it was a satirical look at the typical plot engendered by Hallmark to celebrate romantic endeavors during the Christmas Holiday season, I thought it would be interesting to create an antithesis plot in contrast to the way they envision love stories during the rest of the year.
“MY PARODY OF THE ICONIC HALLMARK ROMANCE MOVIE: FLIP SIDE ROMANCE”
So this time, I thought I would write my first movie script to embrace a love story that breaks the repetitive plot mold a little bit (actually quite a lot). I plan to offer the script to Hallmark when I am done (And dodge their bullets when they order me to vacate the premises), so bear with me as I set things up and create the storyline, characters, and setting. So here goes.
A magnificent office building in Wannamaka Springs dead-nuts in the center of a dry, barren desert full of tumble weeds, cactus, and red neck hillbillies smoking peace pipes and munching on chitlins. A buck toothed washer woman is shaking loose a mangy old junkyard dog while hoisting a jug of XXX moonshine over her shoulder taking a swig while chewing tobacco.
Second setting is a posh casino with a drive up valet parking entrance in the middle of the forest miles and miles away from any form of civilization. The patrons arriving in tuxedos and evening gowns have to shake off bear attacks and angry skunks when they exit their posh limousines. As one couple enters the foyer, they witness a man and woman being shot for cheating at the roulette wheel with robo dice.
Billy Joe Huffinpucker …..The Leading Man who hates all women
Crysta Stingwort…………..The Leading Woman who has been jilted 24 times
Boon Wishywashy…………The Anti Leading Man who loves himself
Donna Manslayer………….The super annoying everything
Hunchback Henrietta……..The annoying friend of super annoying Donna
Gumper Fatbottom…………The totally obnoxious naysayer
Dumpy FrumpWoman……..The pipe smokin, beer bellied wife of Gumper
Dungplop “Cheetyaa Ass”Corpuscle
(a.k.a Mr. Corpse) ………….The dumbkoff CEO
Not Sure Yet
Location: Wannamaka Towers, Crysta Stingwort’s Office
Billy Huffinpucker: “Crysta, I think I have ta tell ya you are one of da ugliest women I have ever met. The hair in your nose and armpits, your front tooth goin sideways, strands of hair with bald spots in between, and tattoos on your eyelids is all quite becoming. Doze features made me fall in love widt ya.”
Crysta Stingwort: “Oh no, I see a big butt comin! Your splotchy, scum-suckin cheeks are starting to twitch a mite.”
Billy Huffinpucker: “Okay, here’s my big “butt”. Butt what I can’t stand, or figure out, is that left eye of yours drifting towards your nose when the other one be standing still. I’m thinking you’re losin interest in me and what I have ta say because it happens every time I talk to ya. I don’t know if that eye is fixing to get cozy with the other one or just checking the inside of ya face.”
Crysta Stingwort: “Why Billy Joe, you fixin to tell me you want to breakup our engagement because ya think I have a wanderin eye?”
Billy Huffinpucker: “Waaal, ah didn’t quite put it that way. You are doin thoughts in ma mind and causin me to think a bit.”
Crysta Stingwort: “Well are ya? You start lyin to me and I will put your lights out with my sawed off shotgun leanin against the backside of my desk heya. Tell me straight, you snivelly clodhopper.”
Billy Huffinpucker: “There goes that eye of yours scooting over to tuck itself behind that crooked sniffer of yoursun. I can’t take it no more. At the risk of seeing my head bein splattered all over the back wall, I gotta tell ya, it’s ova tween us.”
Crysta Stingwort: “Waaal, that’s okay! I was fixin to tell ya that I got tired a trying to kiss that puckered up hole below yo nose. It reminds me of that openin underneath a horse’s tail that plops pooh dung on my army boots every time I try to clean one up. If you was to frow up when I gots close, I might think it were tryin to spit me one da face.”
Billy Huffinpucker: “Oh yeah? Well I’ll show you who still wants me. Bertha Battleknockers, that’s who.”
Crysta Stingwort: “Are you kidding me? She snorts and does some flatulance whenever you be touching her. She ain’t got no lips and her lopsided rear-end is hangin sideways.”
Billy Huffinpucker: “That’s what draws me to her. Besides, her eyes stay put when I talks to her.”
Crysta Stingwort: “Waaal, I think I’ll go tell ol Mr. Corpse that I can’t stand seeing ya plant one on dat elephantine hussy. I need to consults with ma friend, Twiddlytoes, and sees if she can convince me to go find my next love in dat casino in da mountains where she goes ta “not” find her love when she goes. Get ya disgustin feces flinger outta ma office.”
Billy Huffinpucker: “Glad to. But before I go, I gotta tell ya that new perfume you been developing for dis company heeya smells like a dead pole cat sprayed by a skunk when it’s really mad. Just thought I’d tell ya.”
Crysta Stingwort: “That’s it, fhart-monger. I’m gonna plaster your watermelon head all over da….”
Sound of Shotgun Blast: Blaam, blaam. Sound of glass flying all over the office as Billy Joe barely escapes the attempted assault on his backside.
Dungplop Corpuscle (aka. Mr. Corpse): “CRYSTA? You shooting up your office again. I’ll make you pay for the damage. And if there is any blood splattered about, you can expect the cost of a cleanup crew to come out of your paycheck. Ya here?”
Crysta leaves her office and marches up the hall to confront Mr. Corpse. She is angrier than a rattlesnake that just got stepped on by a humped-back wart hog. As she enters his monkey cave, she shouts:
Crysta Stingwort: “I’m tired of being cooped up in this high-faulutin office here. I’m takin a vacation that Twiddlytoes will convince me to take to “not” find my next love. I expect her to convince my sorry self to head to that casino in the forest where she goes to get disappointed time and time agin.”
Mr. Corpse: “What about fixing that rotgut perfume you developed for the company? It smells like a dead pole cat sprayed by a skunk when it’s really mad. I think it needs some tweaking, don’t you?”
Crysta Stingwort: “Yeah, well I’ll try to see if I can get the formula to emulate the odor that comes out of your mouth when you belch stomach gas that smells like that poor excuse for enchiladas you make for lunch. I’ll do it when I get back, Mr. Corpse!”
Mr. Corpse: “Don’t you dare leave now or I will demote you? And stop calling me Mr. Corpse!”
Crysta Stingwort: “Sounds better than Bloodsucking Corpuscle you dip wad. You can’t demote me. You’ve got too much money invested in this product I been developin. You’d be loosin your ass.”
Mr. Corpse: “Get outta here Stingwort before I do something to you that everyone in this building would certainly appreciate. And cleanup that smell coming out of your person.”
Crysta leaves in a huff and marches to her friends office.
Twiddlytoes: “I overheard you talking in there. You do need a vacation. How about that casino that I go to each year where every man that sees me starts to pass out from fright. I’m sure you can get the same results.”
Crysta Stingwort: “Yeah, might be fun to march in there and see if the personnel call the game warden to capture me before I attack the patrons there.”
End Of First Scene
I am requesting that my readers click on the links provided and download a sample read of each book and give a review on Amazon. You will have free access to the first four chapters of each book. My hope is that you will like the story lines enough to obtain either an eBook version or a paperback copy that you can put on your bookshelf as a masterpiece when you are done. FATE STALKS A HERO I: RESURGENCE, FATE STALKS A HERO II:THE FIJI FULCRUM, and THE SAGA OF HERACLES PENOIT. I will be giving excerpts on these works in upcoming blogs to familiarize you the reader with exciting details about the contents of each one. Thank you!